Ex-Incels, What caused you to go down that path, and what helped you change?

Question

Karin Fruehauf · Accepted Answer

"Mainly, expectations from my parents and torment from my older brother lead me down the path of incel, all though I never became a full fledged one. All through out Highschool, I'd try to be the nice guy, in order to get "pussy".  Mean while my much more successful brother was getting tail like crazy, for being an "asshole". I questioned my methods, but still went with the nice guy method. I found two women I was interested in, and did one approach as usual, and one I treated, well like how someone is actually supposed to be treated.   I won the heart of both, I got engaged to one and she cheated on me (the one I nice guyed) and the other just didn't feel right for going out with me and another dude and chose another guy. After all of that, and crying really hard, I discovered myself, and that my friends, family, and me were the most important people in my life.  I worked kn myself and I am much happier now than I have ever been. "

Madelin · Answer

What a lame comparison.

Pia-Riitta · Answer

TIL 500 days of summer is an incel movie Edit: and Don Jon is the fucking sequel!

Franziska Daecher · Answer

I don't know what an incel is. I might be one.

wieslawa · Answer

Back in the start of high school I probably would have become an incel. I had all kinds of weird thoughts that would have clicked with incels. I credit not becoming an incel to two things: 1 Being culturally Jewish. When you're Jewish you are taught very early that authoritarian and overly conservative ideas end up killing lots of Jews. This made me apprehensive of entertaining incel like thoughts for too long and primed me for giving them up. 2 learning I'm a good dancer. In sophomore year there was a dance. I went to it thinking I would try and probably fail at dancing. Turns out my feet are made of magic. I danced the night away. That summer I took to learning electro swing. My first GF I initially met at a 4th of July party, while dancing.  While I haven't had sex yet, the mentality I used to have is completely gone. The person from four years ago is gone and I have killed him.

Behnoush · Answer

I lowered my standards, realized that my lot in relationships was because I was surrounding myself with shitty people. Everything's good now

asta-marie · Answer

We didn't have the term incel when I was younger, but I have always referred to myself as a late bloomer. Honestly, I was just naive. And then I learned. And then sex happened.

KYMBERLY · Answer

I dont really understand the question, if an 'incel' is an 'involuntary celibate', they didnt choose to 'go down that path', hence it being involuntary

Seda · Answer

Curious if any actual 2/10 men got out.

Jennika · Answer

Before I start, I just mention that I've taken a shower everyday my entire life, and have always had decent hygiene.  Effective routine.  https://i.imgur.com/JpFj3YV.jpg

Saija-Leena · Answer

I wasn't an incel, so not quite what OP is looking for. I was subscribed to r/MGTOW and ended up leaving and changing my mentality purely because of how sad it all was. I realized quickly that it probably wasn't a good community to associate myself with if I wanted to have any kind of healthy relationship with a woman again

Stefanie Richter · Answer

I wouldn't say I was an Incel, but extreme niceguy/held some toxic views about women. I ended up changing when talking to my friends and being put into more situations with girls, after that I changed some or the toxic views I had but I was still pretty out there. What really changed me and gave me a bit more of a reality check to take me from nice guy to where I am today was a breakup with my first real girlfriend, that's the moment I can say something changed. After that I just put my energy into more positive things and developed my personality and spent time doing what I loved, that made me regulate myself a bit more. I couldn't have done it without my friends who made me realize things about myself and helped me along the way.

CARLETTA · Answer

"Everyone in here is treating "incel" as some sort of ideology, the primary tenet of which is hating women, or feeling "entitled" to sex, or some other such nonsense. The reality is that no one in here wants to address any of the more fundamental issues that incels bring up, like the dating market being heavily skewed in favor of women and very attractive men (see: 80/20 rule). Acknowledging this makes people uncomfortable, because it doesn't conform to Just World Theory.  "

May-Liss · Answer

No one in this thread is Incel LOL

Rawley · Answer

"I was never an incel, but I had a sort of anger toward women for not being traditional. Most guys have or had some form of "incel" traits in their lives if they never got attention from women. The point is that I never liked how women were praised and put on a pedestal. I got over this because I realized that men are controlled by sex, and that the cycle will always continue, and for some reason, I realized that I was mad over something so trivial. "

Lissa · Answer

I think many incels are guys that are depressed and just found a club to join. I think the cure for them is to find something to work towards. Are most incels as unhappy in the rest of their life as they are in their sex life?

Tiina-Maija · Answer

that's the weirdest pep talk I've ever heard but it works

annegrete · Answer

Ed Sheeran  After looking up a picture of him, I don't know the significance of what you're saying. Does he look creepy? He looks just kind of normal.

YU · Answer

Sorry, but Ed Sheeran is super-rich and super-famousm and also really talented (even though i personally dont like most of his music). Why do you think his school ex-girlfriend now wants to marry him all of a sudden?

SHERRIL · Answer

I'm kind of between being an ex-incel and current incel. I know logically I should choose celibacy, but I still have my Tinder/Bumble/OKCupid in the vain hopes that someone would come to me.

Retha · Answer

"Incel means INVOLUNTARY CELIBATE. There isn't a "path". It's INVOLUNTARY. It just means guys who can't get laid. This term is getting misused so much in these comments. "

Laura Schreiber · Answer

"I'm gonna take a wild shot in the dark here and say "not getting laid" and then "getting laid" "

Lynde · Answer

I eventually just stopped trying to find someone, only focused on making myself better and more appealing, and now I've had a girlfriend for 2 and a half years.

Zedekiah · Answer

Isn't being an incel involuntary? Who chooses that path?

Jannicke · Answer

I am not incel, but i somehow can relate. Bullied and broken home, make me lose trust in people, its hard to make friends since i keep a distance and never really open, my past still haunt me from time to time, depressed and panic attack once in a while. Trying to work on my self.

Angela · Answer

This thread is hard to read :(

mejse · Answer

"Tbh, I started applying that old circle jerk phrase, "Step 1 be attractive. Step 2 don't be unattractive." Step 1: do your hair, wear nicer clothes, wear deodorant, shower every day, work out occasionally, smile, whiten your teeth, be funny.  Step 2: lose some weight, cut your fingernails, shower every day, wear deodorant, don't be a creep, don't over analyze things, listen when women talk, pick up your apartment, clean your car, cut your hair. Y'know, stuff like that. Treat women like normal people, because they are. It's really not that hard. Also, find women with lower standards, lol.  "

Angelia · Answer

I need help, please help me

Farh · Answer

I was short and fat. Then I got a lot of money in a short time. Then I was short and fat and somehow women adored me. Absolutely seriously. My advice: be thin and fit or be thin and fit and rich.

Pirta · Answer

Realizing that hating women for preferring rich dudes makes as much sense as hating men for rejecting fat chicks

Marina Abend · Answer

16 Y/O Incel here to clear some simple untruths, it gets better for some people and worse for others, I do believe dating is mostly based on looks but personality does matter.(Unless your Jeremy Meeks, Chris Brown, or Ted Bundy.) Before I get down voted to hell let me make this clear, I do not hate women, I dislike how they treat me like subhuman trash when I ask them out but I still respect them.

Woodman · Answer

I was bitter, entitled, suicidally depressed with no apparent cause, and I blamed the people around me (mostly women) without taking care of myself. I then came out as trans, realized how much of a scumbag I was, and then went to therapy for 4+ years.

RIA · Answer

"I would never consider myself close to an incel, but I am becoming increasingly bitter and aware of some dating dynamics people don't like talking about. Because unlike the people on those fucking forums, the neckbeards and "nice guys", I got off my lazy ass and worked on myself. Took me the better part of 4 years to get where I am now. It was a tough road and I didn't have much support along the way, but guess where I am now? I'm a fully developed person, I go to my dream college, I've developed interesting skills and people genuinely want to spend time with me. But here's the thing, my love life is emptier than ever. All that effort I still get told I'm not enough, over and over again. How am I supposed to feel okay with that?  "

Maria Lange · Answer

"I'm a 31 year old virgin but a few years ago I just gave up so I went from "incel" to "volcel".  "

Slim · Answer

You know what, good for you. I'm sorry you had to change your appearance if you didn't want to, but I hope that you are now being your best you, which is exactly what plastic surgery is for. It's not about changing who you are, it's about liking yourself and being yourself in the healthiest and most fulfilling way.

Philippa · Answer

Sorry but I find that hilarious about the plastic surgery bit. :D But you have hit upon an uneasy truth here, it is easy to be not an incel if you're good looking/smart/rich or in other ways of positions of social power.  The incel mentality is a reaction to the social rejection a short/fat/ugly etc.. kid faces. I'm not saying its a healthy reaction, but it is not one to be unexpected. Every generation and society has a section of disaffected male youth. You know their names. the mafia, IRA, taliban, Nazis. It's a problem as old as society itself. The underprivileged will always flock to radicalism and scapegoating to find a reason for their inadequate circumstances.

Zenita · Answer

I'm still there :(

saida · Answer

I didn't get laid. I stopped trying to be friends and started trying to be a date. Seems to be working great.

DOMINQUE · Answer

"Not exactly an incel, but I was a very "nice guy" type of person. I went down that path because I hated who I was, felt the way men were treated was awful and unfair, and didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Turns out I just had gender dysphoria. Started transitioning, became a lot more confident, and started being happier. "

kine · Answer

nothing helped me change. i pretty much just gave up on ever dating.

Riina · Answer

I worked as a ymca camp councelor for 4 years starting at 16

Manuela Eisenhauer · Answer

make friends with girls instead, not every attempt has to be at girlfriend make some female friends to make yourslf more natural. also try to space your contact with them about 1-2 days and they will respond instantly because you get them waiting. if you have extreme feelings for somebody but you will never get to do it then walk away and never talk to the person again, go find someone else.

Kerstin Dietrich · Answer

I'm not sure what caused it, but I know that it snowballs. Adolescence is a time when you learn social skills. If you're not doing that, you're falling behind. Over time, it gets only worse and worse. What helped is when people gave me a chance to socialize consistently over time with the same people. Instead of rejecting me and thereby losing opportunities to socially develop, I gained opportunities to not fall further behind. --------------- I'm now in my 40s and married with children. The modern incel and foreveralone phenomena are intriguing to watch. Their experiences are similar, but in some ways very different from mine.

Tunay · Answer

"Never became a full fledged incel, but was going down that path.  You know the mindset. I was beginning to harbor the "I'm a nice guy, so why don't girls suck my dick?" thought process.  Then at a certain point I just suddenly realize that girls are human, and they aren't any more obligated to suck random dicks than I was when someone did something nice for me.  "

Piitu · Answer

"I was never at the level of incel, but I remember a dark time in my past where my Gaia Online profile said something along the lines of "hopeless romantic, emphasis on the hopeless." In all honesty it just took getting away from my computer and the internet for a while and interacting with more people in the "real world."  Personally, I believe a lot of incel/niceguy/neckbeard types get as bad as they do because creating and fostering a virtual relationship is completely different from working on a real life relationship. Because these people don't know how to maintain their real-world relationships, they turn to the internet to criticize the people who reject them. Basically, the only way to get better is to get perspective about yourself, and that is hard to do unless you get away from the people and environments that enable you to maintain your toxic habits and attitudes. "

Daniela Schuster · Answer

I wouldn't call myself an Incel but I did share a lot of opinions that the community tends to have based on my own experiences in life. Pretty much my loneliness made me bitter towards everyone else. I tried to rationalize my loneliness and the idea that women are the shallow creatures who only prefer rich men who are attractive made sense to me as I saw myself as the opposite. I've changed to the point where I do recognize my own part in my loneliness and I can't fault anyone for having a preference for someone who is successful but I still feel like a lot of people are shallow but that's life

Fabio · Answer

"The problem wasn't them. The problem was me. And when I say it was me, that's not just dating and relationships. I had a lot of issues, and I needed to correct them. So I "killed" the aspects of myself that were problematic and incompatible with what I wanted, realizing they were preventing me from getting what I wanted most. What I wanted meant more than preserving the things in myself that I knew were actually worthless, and a hindrance to me. "

Giffy · Answer

"I was into that "nice guy" mentality up until about high school when multiple people on the internet knocked some sense into me by saying "nice guys who expect pussy are not nice guys and are in fact just as toxic as those 'chads'". It really woke me up. I'm slowly working myself up to breaking out of my anxious shell and actually pursuing relationships but I'm definitely not an incel. "

Reeta-Maria · Answer

The sympathy and relatability of the group drew me in. They were saying what I was feeling at the time. That dating felt unfair as a dude these days with no advice on how to improve.

SHARELL · Answer

"Not a former incel but definitely a recovering NiceGuy. Honestly, when I realized I had no personality aside from my expected vocation (becoming a lawyer) when I was in my first year of law school in late 2013. I was also overweight bordering on obese, which I didn't realize until my career advisor took a look at me and said "yeah, you're not a candidate for JAG because of the physical requirements." So, I decided to start going to the gym, eating healthier, tracking calories and losing weight. I got my head out of my ass and started caring about new things and getting involved in softball leagues and the like and started traveling more and getting myself out there. So while I am a lawyer doing what I enjoy as my vocation, I've had a more fulfilling life and sure, I've dated a few women as time went on. As of now I'm single, but it's not something I really think about or harp on. "

Khansa · Answer

I don't know if I was ever a full blown incel(misogyny, bitterness etc). But I'm definitely involuntarily celibate.  Mainly I just realized that most of my problems were my fault or couldn't be fixed. And that even the ones I can change, I lack the willpower, energy and drive to ever do so. I'm a living self fulfilling prophecy, constantly getting in my own way and setting myself back. finally understand that there's no hope for me.  Occasionally I'll still get the slightest but of hope that maybe me and a person will be mutually attracted to each other. Or I'll not fuck up a friendship. But that ends quickly.  Now I just wallow in self pity, depression and loneliness and plan on killing myself in a few years.

lillan · Answer

As a kid I fucking loved Lord of the Rings (still do). Aragorn inspired me to study the blade... Then came the fedoras in my freshman year. The trap was set...  Then I met a girl who touched my tendies, but didn't like my stupid hat. Hat mysteriously found itself in the trash. Been clean ever since.

Orly · Answer

"I don't ever think I was a "he-man woman haters club" type incel but I did have a negative mindset toward women. I spent a lot of time on 4chan's /r9k/ board as a teenager, even before it was a board for lonely horny guys. They slowly started taking over the board with blatant misogynist woman hating shit and started to make me way more depressed and less trusting of women in general. I happened to find a gf around the time the board demographics shifted from offtopic shitposting /b/ lite to a haven for lonely virgins and I just stopped browsing that particular board altogether. Depression didn't go away but I could tell my attitudes toward women were much less negative. It's brainwashing full of echo-chambers and confirmation bias. Had my gf not been there to steer me back to sanity I could've just as easily fallen prey to the incel nonsense.  "

Piotr · Answer

"Not an ex incel, but I've basically given up, so maybe I'm an "ex" by that standard. Basically,I know that I will never be happy.  I don't hate women or feel like they owe me anything. I never have and I never will. I have, however, come to accept that natural selection has removed me from the gene pool, and that my lineage will die with me. I am hideous, stupid, talentless, and uninteresting. I have nothing to offer the world. My failure in all walks of life is inevitable. Even if I suddenly had a relationship it wouldn't fix anything. I am too far gone. "

JacksonLopez · Answer

I found out I was trans and that solved the issue. It just so happened no one wanted to date someone full of self-hatred.

Tiinu · Answer

None of these answers are from anyone who identified as an incel.

Manuela Kohl · Answer

ITT: No incels, don't waste your time tbh.

lillan · Answer

I was raised by TV and movies, and I think a lot of it came from there. Like such and such character who was a nerdy guy was getting laid constantly.. so wtf?! why wasn't I?! I'm way nerdier than him! (I was) and I'm so much nicer! (I wasn't), plus we look the exact same, so it's not just an attractive thing. (we didn't).  I guess I just grew up. Stopped playing the victim 100% of the time, and started to get introspective. Asked myself some hard questions, and pretty much surmised that I wouldn't wanna fuck me either.  Basically if these guys would spend as much time as they do complaining about what they are owed, working on themselves... They'd get what they deserve in no time.

Ex-Incels, What caused you to go down that path, and what helped you change?

Melba

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